“Crossed Stars” | Season 4, Episode 6

Narrator: He thought about the women he'd smoked like cigarettes and about how, one day, he'd go to sleep and never wake up.

He thought about the words he'd swung like baseball bats and about how life can sometimes strike like lightning and burn sand into glass.

[ Indistinct shouting, explosions, gunfire ] He thought he'd seen everything, been everywhere.

[ Roars ] But he'd never partaken in the greatest adventure of them all.

Right then, something in the universe clicked.

Man: Charge!

Narrator: And with one glance, they knew that it'd be a terrible lie to do anything other than leave and never come back.

♪♪ [ Screeches ] [ Clicking ] [ Light buzzing ] [ Whirring ] Tommy: I, uh -- I like your boat.

Stacey: Thanks.

It's a submarine, not a boat.

Tommy: Submarines are boats.

Stacey: No.

Narrator: So, he told her about the time he accidently destroyed a Russian submarine and the other time he'd accidently built one.

And she told him about the time she escaped from North Korea using two celery sticks and some peanut butter.

And when they ran out of their own stories, they told each other everyone else's so that, together, they had lived a thousand lives and died a thousand deaths.

Stacey: Do cops love robbers?

Tommy: Would they chase them if they didn't?

Stacey: Maybe they're bored.

Tommy: I don't know.

What I do know is that...

I love you more than -- more than a compass loves north.

Will you marry me?

Stacey: It looks like I don't have a choice.

Narrator: And for a short while, they were truly happy.

But the world turns, and we turn with it.

[ Sonar pings ] [ Alarm blaring ] [ Pinging ] Tommy: ... [ Whirring ] Narrator: Blame it on the lack of gravity, but something was different.

[ Beeping ] Tommy: Be kind of nice to get out somewhere.

Stacey: How come we don't do anything fun anymore?

Tommy: What do you mean?

Stacey: I mean we used to go on adventures.

It was so exciting.

There was so much chaos and so much danger.

That's what I mean.

Tommy: I'm just a man, Stacey.

I'm not an idea.

Besides, it's not like you suggested anything risky lately.

Stacey: Hey.

Hey, did I ever tell you about that time I escaped from North Korea?

Tommy: Yeah.

Narrator: Bad days turned into bad months and bad months into bad years until, one day, they barely recognized each other.

[ Indistinct talking ] Stacey: But I just think maybe I should look at it, because I know about this stuff.

Tommy: Really?

And how many ships have you built?

Stacey: How many have you broken?

It's a sanitation system.

It's not rocket science.

Tommy: ... [ Glass shatters, alarm beeping ] Stacey: I'm sorry.

[ Beeping, alarm blaring ] I never thought we'd go on forever.

Tommy: I did.

Well, we made it almost halfway.

Stacey: Halfway to what?

Tommy: Halfway to forever.

♪♪ [ Alarm blaring ] [ Rumbling ] ♪♪ [ Lasers firing ] [ Both screaming ] Narrator: He thought about the women he'd smoked like cigarettes and about how, one day, he'd go to sleep and never wake up.

But today was not that day, as much as he may have wanted it to be.

♪♪ And there they were, uncertain of the future, of the past, of who they were, where they were, what they were, and why they were.

[ Roars ] One thing was certain, though.

Adventure was calling their name.

♪♪ Gary: Uh-huh.

Yeah.

No, it's -- it's only when I, like, move my head from side to side.

It's like -- like a clunk.

Yeah, like a clunk-clunk.

No, I-I have no idea.

No, I haven't done any swimming.

Uh, yeah, she just walked in.

Yeah.

Okay.

No, that's -- that's a good idea.

Okay.

Yeah.

Okay.

Bye, Mom.

Suzy: Sorry for just barging in.

I just really need to get some stuff out of here.

[ Zipper closes ] Gary: It's okay.

Suzy: I am late for an audition, and I couldn't find a spot out there at all, of course.

...neighborhood.

Gary: You should have parked in the spot.

Suzy: Yeah, well, you were already there.

Gary: Yeah, well, yeah, I would have moved.

Suzy: Well, I double-parked.

What is wrong with you?

Gary: I think I got, like, an ear infection or something.

Suzy: Was that your mom on the phone?

Gary: Yeah, she's, uh, trying to help me troubleshoot this thing.

Suzy: Mm.

Yeah?

Did she have anything to say?

Gary: About what?

Suzy: Did you tell her?

Gary: No.

We were talking about my ear.

Suzy: You have to tell her, Gary.

Gary: Why do I have to tell her?

Suzy: We broke up.

It's not fair for me to have people thinking that we're still together.

Gary: It's my mom.

She lives in New Hampshire.

It's not like we're gonna bump into her at the grocery store.

Suzy: But did you tell your brother?

Gary: I haven't felt the need, okay?

Suzy: Do any of your friends know?

Gary: Wh-Why -- Suzy: Gary, this is really unfair.

Gary: Y-- Can we not talk about this now?

I mean, I feel like I've got a...pebble in my ear.

I can't hear anything.

Suzy: What is wrong with your ear?

These are all my books, by the way.

Gary: I'm saying there's something in it.

-Suzy: Well, it's earwax.

-Gary: It's not earwax.

It's like a pebble or something.

Suzy: No, it's earwax that's hardened into a ball, and now it's rolling around inside your ear.

Gary: Come on.

Suzy: It's because you use Q-tips.

Gary: How can Q-tips transform soft earwax into a hard ball?

Suzy: It gets compressed.

That's why I told you not to use those.

Gary: Well, who doesn't use Q-tips?

What the hell kind of medical advice is that?

"Stop using Q-tips"?

Suzy: It's common sense.

Even the Q-tips people say not to use Q-tips.

Gary: What the hell am I supposed to use, then?

I'm sup-- Like, what, a pencil?

Shove a pair of scissors up my ear?

I mean... Suzy: You could wrap a tissue around your finger.

Gary: My fing-- Look at my fingers.

I got these fat sausage fingers.

How am I -- Not everybody has these perfect little girl fingers that fit into ear canals, okay?

Suzy: God, well, you use Q-tips, you get ear infections.

-Gary: What are you looking for?

-Suzy: I am looking for my tea.

-Where did you put it?

-Gary: Have you ever looked into somebody's ears that don't use Q-tips?

That's sick.

They got, like, caked-up yellow stuff.

I'm sorry.

Clean ears are an important part of my life.

Call me crazy.

Suzy: Well, you get what you sow.

Gary: Well, you reap what you sow, actually.

Suzy: Right, well, I got to go.

Gary: Are you seriously leaving?

Suzy: I'm double-parked.

What's the issue?

Gary: Well...I thought you could help me with my ear.

Suzy: How?

Gary: You worked at a pharmacy.

Suzy: I worked at a CVS in high school.

Gary: Well, didn't you learn anything?

You must have learned something.

Suzy: Gary, God.

You need to respect that we're not together anymore.

You need to tell people we broke up.

Okay?

Have you taken a shower?

Gary: How can I?

Suzy: Well, take a shower.

It'll help.

The hot water will help get the earwax out.

It's the only way.

All right?

Got to go.

Gary: Suze... Suzy: Gary.

♪♪ Gary: You need help with that?

Suzy: No.

♪ You are my dream ♪ Come true Gary: Ohh!

-Suzy: Jesus.

-Gary: Ow!

Suzy: Do I need to call an ambulance?

[ Muttering ] Gary.

Gary.

Is that what I think it is?

Gary: I don't think I can move it.

Suzy: You thought you'd solve your Q-tip problem with another Q-tip?

Gary: I should have used my finger.

It's really in there.

I feel like it's poking my skull.

Suzy: Do you want to go to a doctor?

Gary: I don't have insurance.

Suzy: Well, you can't leave it there.

-Can I touch it?

-Gary: I don't think so.

-Suzy: I'm gonna touch it.

-Gary: [ Inhales sharply ] -Suzy: What?

-Gary: You're touching it.

-Suzy: I didn't do anything.

-Gary: I said not to touch it.

-God.

-Suzy: Not moving.

-I'm gonna take it out.

-Gary: I'm losing my hearing.

I just know it.

Could you not, please?

-Suzy: Here.

Sit up.

-Gary: Come on.

Don't.

Suzy: All right?

On the count of three.

-Gary: Just don't.

-Suzy: Uh-huh.

-One.

-Gary: Please.

-Suzy: Two.

-Gary: Aah!

God!

Okay, that actually wasn't so bad.

-Suzy: Okay.

-Gary: Is there anything on it?

Suzy: Nope.

Is your ear still clogged?

Gary: Yeah.

Suzy: Okay, well, let's go heat up some water.

Gary: You know what I don't get?

Mermaids.

Like, they're supposed to be this sexy mythological creature, right?

But have you thought about, like, what it would be like to find something like that in the ocean?

That would be horrible.

I mean, like, the top half's all right.

You got the -- like, the breasts and the -- the woman's face and everything.

But then you look down and it's like a -- it's like a fish down there.

Like, why would you want that?

Like, flippers and a waste hole and everything?

Is that what sailors fantasize about?

Like, why would you just not fantasize about a real woman?

You know, like, why you got to compromise about making her half-mackerel or whatever?

Or half jellyfish?

Yeah, that'd be sexy.

Oh!

Oh, what if the bottom part was a woman and the fish was the head?

[ Timer dings ] Oh.

Suzy: Oh.

That's five minutes.

Gary: Okay.

What do I do?

Suzy: Lift yourself up slowly.

All right.

And just flop your head over.

-Gary: Okay.

-Suzy: This way.

-Gary: Oh, I felt something.

-Suzy: Really?

Gary: Yeah, yeah.

Something came out.

Suzy: Stay, stay, stay.

Oh.

Ew.

-Gary: Anything?

-Suzy: Yeah.

Gary: What is it?

What is it?

Suzy: You know what that is?

-It's a googly eye.

-Gary: A what?

Suzy: It's a googly eye from those toys.

How did you get a googly eye in your ear?

-Gary: I have no idea.

-Suzy: When did you do that?

Gary: Oh.

Oh.

Man: Johnny and Janie, who are past childhood, are not yet quite grown into manhood and womanhood.

They are in between.

And the in-between period is known as adolescence.

And one important aspect of adolescence is known as puberty.

This name is used to describe the physical growth and change that bring maturity.

Puberty might begin anytime between the ages of 9 and 16.

But for average Johnny, it comes at 14.

Puberty begins with a change -- Dorothy: [ Moaning ] Oh, Dale.

Oh!

Man: The fallopian tubes form the passage through which the mature ovum... Gary: Wow.

Is that a metaphor or what?

Suzy: What?

Gary: You don't think that's, like, a metaphor for our whole relationship?

Suzy: No.

I think it sounds like you stuck something in your ear while your mom was boffing the soccer coach.

Gary: Yeah, but I-I chose not to hear it.

I-I chose to plug up my ear.

Suzy: Yeah, you did choose not to listen.

You chose to visit that prostitute in Las Vegas.

Gary: She was not a prostitute.

Suzy: You did a lot of things, Gary.

You made me feel really unwelcome here.

My audition.

Gary: Oh, yeah.

I was wondering about that.

Suzy: God.

You know, this is the metaphor, Gary, not the stupid googly eye.

It's me giving and giving and you taking advantage of me when it suits you and ignoring me the rest of the time.

Gary: I wasn't trying to take advantage of anything, honestly.

Suzy: You were, though.

Gary: I had a...eyeball in my head, man.

Who could have predicted that?

Suzy: Gary, if you have any love for me at all, you will let me go.

You'll tell your mom we broke up, and you'll tell her it was your fault, because it was.

Gary: Okay.

Fine.

I'll tell everyone it was my fault.

Suzy: Will you really?

Gary: I don't know.

No.

I don't -- I don't want to do that.

Suzy: Please try to remember that you broke up with me.

Gary: I know, but...

I changed my mind.

Suzy: You're a very confused person, Gary.

Gary: No -- Suzy: No more Q-tips.

Gary: I'll never give up Q-tips.

And there's nothing you can do to stop me.

♪♪ [ Whirring ] [ Indistinct talking ] All: Aww!

[ Laughter ] Woman: That is so cute!

♪♪ [ Computer chiming ] ♪♪ ♪ I don't know why ♪ I can't let you go [ Mid-tempo music plays ] [ Music continues ] [ Music continues ]